There are few things that are absolutely essential. Looking good and staying alive are among them. So here’s how to save money and remain fashionable with a paper clip tie clip, and how to avoid being shot. Look sharp and make a point of not dying.
Don’t buy a tie clip
You’ve no doubt seen a tie clip before. Typically, such fashion accessories are bar-shaped and clip the pieces of a straight tie together so that they won’t flap around in the wind. Sometimes, tie clips can be quite decorative, to the point of being made of gold and encrusted with diamonds. Of course, the fancier you get, the more you have to pay. And if you’re like me, you lose your tie clips all the time.
Why not use something that’s almost completely free? A paper clip tie clip will hold your tie in place, and remain completely invisible if done right. It even works with fashion-backward skinny ties that don’t work with standard, much more expensive tie clips. Just bend the paper clip so that you have hooks on both sides, slide the clip through the tie’s tag, then attach the hooks around the buttons of your shirt. Bend the hooks as needed to fit the buttons, and you have a invisible fashion accessory that will keep the wind from disturbing your tie’s calm.
How not to die via bullet
Speaking of disturbing your own calm, death ends fun. Death via bullet ends fun quickly. In terms of expense, the hospital and funeral bills for your family are beastly. That doesn’t even take into account the emotional costs of your departure. While it is physically impossible to dodge a bullet in the air, there are ways to potentially avoid being shot, aside from never leaving your bathroom.
Dodge before they fire
This part requires quick observation and anticipation. As a solitary target is much easier to hit than a moving target, you’ll want to get moving. Notice where the gunwoman is aiming, and observe the trigger finger. Your brain can register this in a lightning flash; trust it. Push off in the appropriate direction with one of your legs, and turning completely to one side and using both legs to jump takes a split-second longer. Generally, it’s a good idea to move left if the shooter is right-handed, and the reverse if they’re a lefty – but don’t let this replace your sense of where they’re aiming. The bullet may miss your vital organs, or you may be able to dodge it entirely.
Much like animals in the wild, common street punks with guns can sometimes be fooled if you play dead. If you’re hit by the bullet but are still alive, play dead so that the no doubt panicked shooter doesn’t feel a compulsion to rush up and plant a bullet in your cranium. Just don’t overact if the shooter misses. If they miss and there’s nowhere for you to run, they’re more likely to go the extra mile if you resort to annoying melodrama.
Here’s a novel idea that cannot be understated. If you have a gun, shoot first – but only if in your best judgment your life is being threatened. After firing, move straight into a dodge move.
Run and cover
Assuming your dodge works and there’s an escape route available, run for cover immediately. Don’t run in the same direction that the gunwoman is facing, as it’s a simple matter then for her to shoot you in the back. Bob and weave in a zig-zag fashion, and if you have a gun, stick and move. Use solid cover between yourself and the shooter for protection.
A reasonable attack
If you can’t reason them into lowering their weapon and are being pushed into a corner, you’re going to need a weapon of your own to defend your life. Use a gun, rock, broken bottle, sand or whatever else you can get your hands on. Crouch low and try to use the element of surprise. Throw things at the gunwoman’s head, but be careful with handfuls of sand outside, as the wind can blow it back into your eyes.
If you cannot escape or reason your way out, you must attempt to get the gun. Knock it out of their hands and grab it. Kick and punch them about the face and groin if possible. Go beneath the ribs to the solar-plexus to knock the wind out of them. Once you have the gun trained on them, go for center mass – not an arm or a leg. If the assailant is wearing body armor, double-tap them in the same hole, with the hopes that the second shot will penetrate.